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WISDOM for the ages … or at least until the weekend (Shutterstock).
At my deceptively youthful age, I have collected a brain-full of witticisms, wisdom, old wives tales, brilliance, foolishness and head-scratching memories I have still yet to parse.
You’ve seen these paperback books at Barnes & Noble with titles like “Stuff My Dad Used to Say,” or “All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned from My Kitten.” I’m not so certain that the gems therein saved any lives, but they appeared to sell some copies, so here goes 
- No one is ever as glad to see you as your dog.
- The phone always rings when you’re in the shower.
- At the precise moment you realize you forgot to save your file on a computer, the devilish device crashes.
- After love, the most sacred thing you can offer is labor.
- People get married for what the other person can do for them.
- Things are always darkest before they turn pitch black.
- If you’re so smart, why ain’t you rich?
- The most dangerous thing in the army is a second lieutenant with a map.
- By the time you get enough money to do what you want, you’re too old to do it.
- Today’s music is garbage.
- If it’s too loud, you’re too old.
- This is the difference between Republicans and Democrats. Coming upon a car with a flat tire, the Republican knows how to change the tire, but won’t stop to help. A Democrat stops to help, but doesn’t know how to change a tire (Don’t blame me! Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Dave Barry wrote that!).
- Men are impressed by what they see; women are impressed by what they hear.
- The decisions you make determine how you live.
- The “one who got away” wasn’t right for you anyway.
- Fear tells lies.
- If it ain’t broke, break it.
- Nothing is constant except change.
- The good old days weren’t all that great.
- Stories you hear of people’s past glories should be treated like a sale at the Dollar Tree: discount by 50 percent.
- You are the safest driver in the world; it’s everyone else who is an idiot.
- He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
- Don’t compare yourself to others; they might be quietly undergoing trials and agonies you couldn’t bear.
- There’s always someone cleverer than yourself.
- Buying the wedding cake is like getting married; until you’ve sampled it, what do you really know?
- Believe half of what you see, none of what you hear (and less than that of what you see on Facebook).
- The past can’t be changed, except for how you think of it.
- If dogs don’t go to heaven, I want to go where they went (Mark Twain, of course).
- Planning is essential, but plans are worthless.
- Algebra is an employment program for math majors.
And finally …
- It’s more important to understand the question than to know the answer.
Jim Tortolano’s Retorts is posted on alternate Wednesdays.