The holi-daze of the pandemic

Merry New Year! Happy Christmas! Election’s Greetings! Feliz Ramadan! Snappy Hanukah!

This has been such a miserable year that you can’t blame me for hastening the advent of holidays. With coronavirus, firestorms, historic political divisions and misbehavior, “virtual learning,” and another all-too-typical Angels baseball season, I’m ready to shower myself in Sam Adams lager, grab a fruitcake the size of Chris Christie’s belly and lock myself in a room, munching and listening to old Perry Como albums.

My earlobes hurt from the way the straps of my mask pull on them. With most eateries closed or at least down-sized, I have spent a fortune on freezer pizza and cold cut sandwiches. Every time I cough I consider the possibility that I am about to become a statistic and find myself hoping – as a famous person said – that it’s all “just a hoax.”

But, hey, as Perry himself used to advise, “Accent-u-ate the pos-i-tive, elim-in-ate the nega-tive.”

There are, if you look closely, some few advantages and improvements that may have come from the otherwise disheartening events of 2020.

• It looks like a record number of people are going to vote, mainly to keep the other guy from winning
• People are finally beginning to appreciate the importance of the U.S Postal Service. Belatedly …
• Folks aren’t hugging near-strangers every 20 minutes. In fact, little hugging at all is happening, which I consider a social improvement on a par with the development of deodorant
• We’re binge-watching a lot of TV, which means we are exposed to programming on cable and streaming services which is head-and-shoulders above the offal that has been routine on the major TV networks for far too long
• Let’s face it, some people look better with a mask. Not only that, many people seem to talk less when wearing a face covering, which makes them even more attractive.
• Spending more time at home means more and longer dog walks, which is good for both species
• With nowhere to drive, we are spewing out less pollution, easing traffic jams and driving down gas prices. Of course, that may mean you no longer have a job or an income, but let’s not quibble about details.
• If you think Christmas has gotten too commercial, this may be your year. Either you won’t have enough money to buy many gifts, or you can prove your own appreciation of frugality by not minding when you don’t get any.

And there’s one good thing about 2020 … it will all be over soon. The sooner the better.

Jim Tortolano’s Retorts appears on alternate Wednesdays.