STEVE MARTIN signs autographs in Toronto. The local boy who cannot go home again … (Shutterstock).

Have you ever been in a discussion (or argument) and after it was over, said to yourself, “I sure wish I’d said [insert better response] instead.”

I’m sure it happens to just about all of us. It’s very commonplace, especially, if you’re married and don’t plan on getting the silent treatment for the next fiscal quarter.

So I started thinking about things I should have said, but then – like most people – I started overlooking my own boo-boos and began to concentrate on other people’s second efforts.

So in this spirit, here’s my list of What They Really Meant to Say. You’re welcome.

• “Oh, I’ve talked enough. I’d better let someone else speak.” – A certain unnamed member of a local city council.
• “It’s nice here in Santa Barbara, but I wish I could go back to my beloved hometown of Garden Grove. I guess I just can’t face the shame of being a no-one in show business.” – Steve Martin.
• “Aw, c’mon, we’re just making these plans up as we go along. Who isn’t?” – Gov. Gavin Newsom. And a lot of other governors, too.
• “You mean Jim Tortolano is still married? *sigh* I guess I’ll never be really happy.” – Gal Gadot.
• “What an interesting protest.” – Josh Lindsay, during his live-stream coverage of the Black Lives Matter march in Garden Grove.
• “Bet they miss me now.” – Former Angels manager Mike Scioscia.
• “Black Lives Matter, Too” – Runner-up slogan.
• “I hate wearing this mask because it covers up $4000 worth of dental work.” – Placard-bearing protester in Huntington Beach.
• “Hey, this is just a gift. I don’t expect anything in return for it.” – No political contributor, ever. Probably.
• “This is really gonna hurt. Would you like a drink of vodka before I stick the needle in? – Dentists and dental hygienists.
• “I enjoy blaming someone else for society’s problems because it excuses me from the necessity for studying the various causes of complicated societal problems.” – Far too many people on left and right.

Jim Tortolano’s Retorts column is posted on Wednesdays. He really meant to say, in 1978, “Hey, buy me all you can of that there Apple stock. I think it might be worth something, someday.”

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