Retorts: These lands are your lands ….

DISNEYLAND is a great place for fantasy fun, but with dark clouds gathering, you might want to try a park rooted in today’s realities (Flickr/Adam Smith).

Disneyland, located in Upper Garden Grove, is truly a magical kingdom. We were there on Wednesday, Marilyn and I, and we marveled at the huge throng present on a workday in November. Not only is D-land a magical moneymaking machine – no shame in that! – but also as means of escaping the world as it is.

But in these fevered times, I think there is cash to be accrued in letting people have fun while getting enmeshed in the issues of the day. So I’m proposing something a bit different: Current Events Land: The Most Rueful Place on Earth. Imagine these attractions:

  • Indiana Jones and the Terror of De Nial: You take a rocky ride on a Russian-made automobile while dodging accusations of sexual harassment, election-tampering, dishonesty under oath and outright hypocrisy. All along the ride you get advice from animatronic figures such as Bill and Hillary Clinton, Richard Nixon, Kevin Spacey, Jeff Sessions, Al Franken and Judge Roy Moore.
  • The It-Doesn’t Matter-Horn: Are you good at kicking important matters down the road? Won’t quit smoking? File your income taxes late? You might enjoy this attraction. It’s a bobsled ride on a fake Rocky Mountain. Riders splash through the Swamp of Deficit Spending, freeze through the icy Melting Ice Caps and finally, mingle very close-up with a crowd of people who think vaccines cause nose cancer.
  • Mainline Street, U.S.A.: This far-out thoroughfare gives you a tour of America’s growing drug problems. Look at the skeletal meth addicts! Buy your kids some candy-shaped cannabis treats! Visit a doctor who will write you a prescription for any kind of opioid, as long as he is part-owner of the pharmacy! And laugh as the taxpayer picks up the tab for the crimes and hospitalizations which follow!
  • Not From Here Land: Are you a history buff? You’ll enjoy this place, where you learn – depending on whether you walk the left or the right side of the street – that either a) all white people are racists or b) slavery wasn’t so bad. Or how about a) send all the illegal aliens and their kids back to Mexico or b) send all white people back to Europe because they killed all the Indians, who you’d better call Tribal Peoples or you are a racist, too. My favorite is a) it’s not personal, it’s just business or b) it’s not personal, it’s just business. That’s both on Don Corleone Street and Capitol Hill.

There’s more! You can swim shirtless with sharks, barracudas and Vladimir Putin. Or how about a chance to kneel with Colin Kaepernick during the playing of the “Star Spangled Banner,” “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” and “Send In the Clowns,” all truly effective actions against the oppression by pro football owners who don’t offer you a contract.

Oh, there’s no end to the fun – and money – that could be flowing my way if Americans are ready to top off their vacations with a little dose of reality that has a fun edge. Patent pending. Lisa Kim, I’ll be expecting your call.

Jim Tortolano is a middle-of-the road kind of guy. Which means he will probably get run over.



Categories: Opinion

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